Every parent faces moments when patience wears thin, but anger doesn’t have to define your parenting. In a recent episode of Focus on the Family, hosts Jim Daly and John Fuller invited Amber Lia and Wendy Speake, authors of Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses, to share practical wisdom on recognizing and managing anger triggers in motherhood with grace and intentionality.
Understanding Parenting Triggers
Lia and Speake shared that triggers—the circumstances or emotions that provoke anger—can be external or internal. External triggers might include sleep deprivation, clutter, or children’s disobedience. Meanwhile, internal triggers are often rooted in deeper emotional struggles like loneliness, exhaustion, or unmet expectations.
Amber Lia recounted how her expectation of calm, obedient children quickly collided with the reality of their immature behavior. Initially, she viewed their disobedience as a personal affront but realized that disobedience is part of human nature. “Their disobedience isn’t a reflection of my parenting—it’s an opportunity to guide them toward maturity,” she explained.
Preparing for the Heat of the Moment
A key strategy is to prepare responses in advance. Wendy Speake emphasized that parents often react out of frustration because they are caught off guard. She recommended using "parenting scripts" to plan responses when triggers arise. “Figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean,” Speake advised.
For example, leaving the park became a trigger-filled challenge for Lia’s family. Instead of reacting to meltdowns, she began coaching her children in advance: “We’re going to practice leaving, and if you do well, we’ll stay longer next time.” By framing transitions as opportunities for growth, parents can reduce stress and build cooperation.
Discipleship Over Discipline
A profound theme of the discussion was the distinction between discipleship and discipline. Discipleship focuses on shaping a child’s heart, while discipline addresses behavior. “If we only focus on outcomes, we miss the chance to develop a child’s heart for God,” Daly noted.
Lia and Speake advocated for seeing triggers as invitations to teach empathy, kindness, and problem-solving. Instead of stepping in to solve sibling conflicts immediately, parents can say, “I believe you can work this out,” empowering children to develop interpersonal skills and resilience.
Managing Emotional and Practical Triggers
Some triggers stem from parents’ internal struggles. For Speake, a messy house was a major source of frustration. She shared how she learned to maintain a “Mary heart in a Martha world” by prioritizing connection over perfection. Recognizing disproportionate reactions to minor incidents, like spilled milk, signals the need to examine underlying issues.
Both moms stressed the value of creating margin in schedules to reduce stress. Building extra time for tasks and adopting simple solutions (like slip-on shoes for young children) helps prevent tardiness from becoming a source of anger.
Transformation Is Always Possible
The episode also offered hope for parents reflecting on past failures. “It’s never too late for God’s transformation,” Speake encouraged. She recounted apologizing to her adult son for past mistakes and being met with not only forgiveness but pride in her growth. Modeling repentance and grace demonstrates humility and resilience, which children remember far beyond specific moments of conflict.
Single parents, too, were reminded that they don’t have to be everything for their children. “God provides what we can’t,” Lia reassured, underscoring that a loving presence outweighs striving for perfection.
Moving Forward with Grace
Parenting, Daly concluded, is a sanctifying journey for both children and parents. By addressing anger with intentionality, prayer, and preparation, moms and dads can cultivate homes filled with gentleness and growth. Triggers reminds us that each moment of frustration is an opportunity—not a failure—to reflect God’s love and guide children toward maturity.
For more insights, Amber Lia and Wendy Speake’s book Triggers is available through Focus on the Family.
